I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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