I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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