i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
