I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
