I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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