we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Randomize
