I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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