Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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