I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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