just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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