he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We're too hungover to prance.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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