grandma shit on top of the toilet
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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