it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
