From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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