shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
