Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
