I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
