She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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