I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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