You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
