i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
