i barfeds in our rink
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
