my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
