The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
