the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
