He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
