If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
