i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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