She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
