is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
