Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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