I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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