I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
