you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
