I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
