Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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