Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
