Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
