Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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