Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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