why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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