i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
