were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
