I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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