I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
