I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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