I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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