I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
