I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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