I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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