Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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